I was walking through the city the other day, and I found a map laying on the sidewalk.
Hey, somebody left a map here for me, I thought. As if there's an old man shuffling around Chicago, dropping maps all willy-nilly, hoping lost travelers will stumble upon them.
There's a very specific feeling that I felt at that moment, a feeling that I believe is common to the "young people" demographic, but as of this moment has not been named nor classified: the strange suspicion that your life follows the rules and norms of late-'80s to mid-'90s video games.
Let us consider the map again, but from this new perspective. Sure, I'd found a map on the ground, and yes, it was simply a map of the downtown Chicago area. BUT, in the beginning levels of every narrative video game ever created, don't you always find a map? And doesn't that map lead you to items, weapons, secret passages, etc? Answer: YES, YES, and YES.
I thought I'd test the theory. I walked around for a bit longer, looking for an sword. Maybe a pistol, perhaps, or a gem, depending on what genre of game I was currently inhabiting. At the very least, I was sure to find some gold coins, or rings. Definitely rings. But guess what? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. This didn't totally disprove the theory, however; I'm guessing gems and gold coins don't go unclaimed for long with all these hobos roaming around.
If you were privileged enough to know me between the years of '05 and '07, you know that the following was true: yes, I was constantly drunk, and yes, I was constantly bitter. And if we spoke at length during this period, I probably tried to convey the second postulate of my theory (even though I was probably too drunk to coherently say the words "postulate", or "theory"). It is as follows: romantic entanglements with the opposite sex follow the same rules and norms as the "boss battles" of late-'80s to mid-'90s video games.
Allow me to clarify.
First, I am not suggesting relationships should end with you brutally slaying your significant other by dropping him/her into an open pit of molten lava. This part of the theory is purely hypothetical; out of all the girlfriends I've had, I've only dropped one or two of them into molten lava, and those broads totally deserved it for reasons I shall not go into.
FACT: Most video game bosses are "super-powered" in comparison to other more commonplace enemies.
This makes perfect sense. Out of all the people you've encountered in your life, who's been the most "super-powered"? Obviously, the girl you had a crush on, the first boy you kissed on the swings, or maybe the woman that you're currently sharing a condo with. If there's anything that makes someone "super-powered", it's the level of control they possess over your mushy, heart-shaped emotions. (That is, unless you know someone who actually has "super-powers" such as super-speed or mega-karate. Never go on a date with someone who claims to have mega-karate).
FACT: Most battles with video game bosses occur at the end of levels.
This also makes sense. Looking back, doesn't it seem like you've embarked on different relationships at key moments of your life? Don't these relationships define these periods of your life, and vice versa? Of course they do. High School, Summer Camp, Your First Shitty Job, Freshman Year, Sophomore Year, et cetera: these are all levels of your life, and if you're still alive/not in a mental institution, then you've beaten them, albeit with varying degrees of success. (The only exception? Water levels. Most video games have "water levels", and most human lives do not, unless you spent a summer working on an oil derrick or clam-diving or just really, really fucking loved to swim. That's okay, though...water levels are consistently awful, and I do not recommend you basing a phase of your life around them)
FACT: Video game bosses usually require a special skill or item to be utilized by you, the player, in order to be successfully defeated. EXAMPLE: In order for you to beat the boss who runs on ceilings and walls, you must run directly under him at great risk to your own health, luring him to the ground where you can jump on his head three times in order to defeat him.
This is where the analogy becomes much more metaphorical. Usually, these "skills" or "items" are in fact aspects of your personality that you must utilize to move past your girlfriend/boyfriend, out of the relationship, and on to the next phase (or level) of your life. Instead of a fire-flower, maybe you obtain a heightened sense of self-awareness. Instead of a mushroom, perhaps you find an increase in confidence. Instead of a magic cape, maybe you come to realize that sex should consist of more than just "laying there". (These skills or items are much more difficult to obtain in real life, and even harder to utilize effectively. It would be a lot easier to simply lure him/her to the ground and jump on his/her head three times in rapid succession, but once again, this is not feasible in real life. Trust me! I have tried this and it totally backfired! Sorry, Elizabeth, that was totally my bad!)
FACT: Video games end with a "final boss battle" in which you must use your all of previously-acquired skills and items combined in order to come out the victor.
This part of the theory is purely, absolutely hypothetical, and strays a bit from the facts. As mushy and heart-shaped as it sounds, I think the "final boss battle" occurs when you meet the person that you're perfectly happy playing against, over and over for the foreseeable future. After a while, you forget about the high scores because at this point you're done competing, even with yourself, content to dodge the fireballs, outrun the hammers and robotic arms, knowing all too well their weaknesses and their strengths.
So here's to you, dear reader: I hope you find your Ganon, your Bowser, or your Dr. Robotnic, and I hope you never have to resort to using cheat codes in the process.
At this point, even I no longer understand what the hell I'm talking about.
Posts
